yamanai ame da neeee

Thursday, January 07, 2010

i really appreciate spending time alone at home.
wake up when i want.. cook lunch (and wash the plates when i feel like it haha).. laze around.. read.. go running........
no no, appreciate is an understatement. i love it alot alot alot.
am i being selfish by wanting to spend time with myself ):
this hols, for 1mth++, chances of staying home alone has been soooooo slim.
simply because i can't bring myself to tell my mum, that i just want to stay at home for a day, ok? can i? can you allow me that small amount of time for myself?
because if i've nothing to do for the day, i have to go to the market with my grandma in the morning, accompany my ma to the hospital in the afternoon (which effectively takes away my whole day), go visit at night or just spend time with my grandma at her house.. in general, i'm not supposed to be free at all.
i really don't mind doing it. really. but i just need a day? give me a day?
but no its too late now. school's starting on monday.

i keep thinking, why am i the only one who's doing all these things? are all my other cousins dead?! why can't the people with the car do the travelling?
why this why that... omg i feel like such a bitch for asking these questions.. what right do i have to doubt my relatives like that? i know they have their own lives to lead.
but, i just feel so so so sad. to go to the market in the morning and see my grandma SO happy to see me coming to bring her home. she's told all her friends that her granddaughter is coming to fetch her. i know she's sick of the maid, and she wants to see someone she actually cares about. and for that i will do it over and over for her. if they know how she feels i think they would too.. but they would never know. because my grandma, being my grandma, would never ask for anything. she never wants to trouble anyone... i feel like telling her, its ok to ask. ah po, its really ok? i spent half my life up till now demanding all sorts of things from you.. its your turn now.

hai...........
sometimes when friends ask me to go out i feel so........ ugh. i dont wanna go out...
i'm sorry. i know i'm being unfair. its not you guys, its me.
too much time with other people has been wearing me out and i can feel myself fraying at both ends, physically, mentally.. haiiiiiii
i'm just tired.
)':

12:41 AM

Saturday, December 26, 2009

everyone likes to be told that they are important, and that they are needed.
but some like it more than others.
and different people will like it for different reasons.

i think maintaining a healthy need for approval is very crucial to success in life.
crave too much, you win but you don't.
does that make sense?
its like that quote, you've won the battle but you've lost the war.

8:54 PM

grandparents.
Saturday, December 12, 2009

so, what i've been dreading has finally come.
i know people all die one day, but death is so alarming. so disarming.
when i see him on the hospital bed, he looks so small.. so vulnerable..
what happened to the man who used to wheel me around in the market trolley? who gave me spelling, who read me hong lou meng when i felt bored? who argued with me heatedly?
who told a 12 year old girl that he believes she can make it, even when the whole world thought otherwise?
theres nothing i can do about the fact that he is suffering. does he want to pass on? does he want to stay? does it help if we knew?
when death comes, everyone becomes helpless.

many things we're doing now is more for us and not for him. why?
i just want him to stop suffering. that will be.. the saddest thing and at the same time the happiest thing that can happen now.

ah gong, i hope you know that no matter what we are there for you. and i want to let you know that you are not alone in this. death comes to everyone whether early or late in life. you've had 4 children, 7 grandchildren.
you will be survived by us.

11:37 PM

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

tomorrow is my last paper!!!!!!!!! *fireworks*
once again, exams reveal to me human nature. my own and those of others.
who steps on others to go ahead? who chooses to underestimate? who still thinks they are in any way more important than others? its interesting. who will care? who won't take time to?

i'm glad to say that my psych friends are not ppl who turn on others. im so fortunate to have them as study partners cause i've suffered in sem 1 from studying alone. and i think because of them i will do better this sem. i must say, people in uni (age? experience? peer influence?) tend to handle stress better. no tempers, no break downs... we just laugh and talk more. which is good, i like :)

anw, don't know if dear friends are still reading this but this is my dec schedule
7-8 - datuk
16-18 - lata
28-30 - ophir

i'm not gna be very free.. other then the date i'll be gone theres the days we have to spend doing briefing, packing stores, and washing tents..

k gna go do a last round of stats. bye

1:24 AM

omg
Monday, November 23, 2009

every sem finals feel like alvls.
someone up above please see my through this.

5:07 PM

Saturday, November 14, 2009

shld i apply for residence in school...............

11:29 PM

thinking about the wrong things.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009

today when i was coming home... i was thinking. how far apart is being lonely and being alone?
its different for everyone i guess.
i remember those ironic times when i'm surrounded by people in a crowded room and felt so extremely lonely, and times when i was walking along the streets alone feeling this peaceful solitude, or when i woke up earlier than everyone else at east coast and went to take a walk as the sun was rising..

i remember being in japan... unfamiliar faces and speech.. was i feeling lonely then? or was it solitude? i always tell my friend (who complains alot about being lonely when she's alone) that, you're not LONELY, you're ALONE. its different.
now i know, she WAS lonely. she was alone and lonely, simply because she thinks she was.
to me, at that time, she can't be feeling lonely so easily?
but now i know, today i've grown abit more.. i shall remind myself, everyday, to try to live by my own standards, just as everyone lives by theirs.

my experience tells me this: the more people there are around, the more lonely i feel.

MEANWHILE,
i got back bio omg. the mean is 53/100
and i still got lower than that... this is one instance where we need to live by the standards of others because if not you will just fall behinddddddd ):

9:17 PM